A Tragedy in Three Halves: Recent Thoughts on the Fairer Gender
Paging Dr. Freud: Here are my most recent thoughts on women.
1. I woke up this morning dreaming of Ashley Olsen. I learned some stuff about her: she's self-conscious about the peach fuzz on her upper lip, she said kissing me was like "licking an ashtray", and she would like me to get a new bathing suit. I threw her over my shoulder.
2. I found myself very attracted to an older lady on the metro yesterday. And I mean old. But very put together. She was like a high-society Courtney Love with orange paisley pants and without the OC. Are collagen lips attractive? Her skin was pulled as tight as the top of a drum. I would have talked to her, too, save my public drunkenness and her myopia. The reading glasses kind of distracted from the whole, methinks.
3. I found myself going out with this girl and determining that I'd preferably not date her. But I'm appalled at the idea of someone not liking me. I reconciled these two bits by enacting my "Boring Strategy", whereas I would go the whole night just by not being interesting. Open doors, smile, laugh as normal. It's a war of attrition. I get home and complain to my roommates that my brilliant strategy didn't work. But how? It was flawless: a gut reaction that says something akin to, "kevin, i liked you better when i was drunk." The next evening, I get a phone call. "Dude, i liked it better when we were just friends." This was pleasing. I'm like Donald Rumsfeld: not bad as a tactition, but certainly arrogant, jerky and a bit of a loser.
Conclusion: I'm a little fucked up.
1. I woke up this morning dreaming of Ashley Olsen. I learned some stuff about her: she's self-conscious about the peach fuzz on her upper lip, she said kissing me was like "licking an ashtray", and she would like me to get a new bathing suit. I threw her over my shoulder.
2. I found myself very attracted to an older lady on the metro yesterday. And I mean old. But very put together. She was like a high-society Courtney Love with orange paisley pants and without the OC. Are collagen lips attractive? Her skin was pulled as tight as the top of a drum. I would have talked to her, too, save my public drunkenness and her myopia. The reading glasses kind of distracted from the whole, methinks.
3. I found myself going out with this girl and determining that I'd preferably not date her. But I'm appalled at the idea of someone not liking me. I reconciled these two bits by enacting my "Boring Strategy", whereas I would go the whole night just by not being interesting. Open doors, smile, laugh as normal. It's a war of attrition. I get home and complain to my roommates that my brilliant strategy didn't work. But how? It was flawless: a gut reaction that says something akin to, "kevin, i liked you better when i was drunk." The next evening, I get a phone call. "Dude, i liked it better when we were just friends." This was pleasing. I'm like Donald Rumsfeld: not bad as a tactition, but certainly arrogant, jerky and a bit of a loser.
Conclusion: I'm a little fucked up.
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